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 He ain't heavy [TW], Tag: Julian/Emmie
Julian Greenheart
 Posted on: Feb 8 2018, 07:36 PM
Quote
Don't Let Me Go
18
Woodworker
Posts: 14
Emmie
District Seven
Rep: 0 pts


Jules gave a small smile at that. "I know it would never happen." he assured his brother. He knew that Theo would never actually hurt him and he was thankful for that. He now knew someone who had to deal with the pain of being hurt by his family and...Julian couldn't imagine having anything less than the loving brother and parents that he had been given. He didn't know what Theo was thinking about, but he saw the change in his face. He saw him getting a bit pale and gently rubbed his hand over his back. "Please don't throw up on me." he said quietly, partially joking, but also being deadly serious since he knew that it would lead to him getting sick and it would just be a miserable, gross mess.

He smiled a bit. "Of course I do." he said softly when Theo said he knew him well. He liked to think that he knew his brother pretty well. He wasn't sure that Theo knew him as well anymore as he used to, but he was actually okay with that. It would take some time, but eventually it would all come out to his brother and things would be back to the way they should be. The way that they had always been.

"Glad we are moving my bed into your room. I don't think we'd fit in the same bed very well anymore." Julian said jokingly, trying to lighten the mood some. It had been easy when they were small for Jules to curl up in Theo's bed. Whether it be actually with him, upside down, or curled up on the bottom like a dog would sleep. He had many sleeping positions as a kid and he rarely stayed in one place at night. He wasn't sure he'd really outgrown that habit either. "I'd probably kick you in the face or something." he said, shaking his head.

The mood switched again though with Theo's question. Julian wasn't sure why, but he felt tears threatening to spill from his eyes again and that horrible pit in his stomach. He was so, so thankful for all the people who his brother had. Who looked after him when Jule's couldn't be there and could give him comfort that Jule's just couldn't. They had all been through the same thing and as much as Julian imagined what it was like, there was no way he could possibly, truly know. He didn't really want to tell his brother the truth of his own friend situation. "I have mom and dad." he said quietly after a moment, still refusing to look up at his brother though.

There was the boy who had been there for him, but...he wasn't sure about that whole situation. It had turned into something really confusing and complicated for Julian and he didn't want himself to get that close to anyone again. He didn't want the heartbreak again. He couldn't take that. It also seemed silly, considering the whole conversation they'd just had about how nothing he did could make Theo love him less, but he was a bit afraid to try and explain the situation to Theo. So, he just kept quiet about it.

He reached up and stroked Theo's hair the same way he had done his own. He was growing up whether Theo liked the change in roles or not. He could still comfort his big brother now, the way he had done for him for years. "I know you will try your hardest, Theo. You always do." he said quietly. "Just...there might be some things you can't fix and I don't want you to beat yourself up over it." He was terrified of Theo breaking down again. He was so worried that it would somehow be because of him.

Julian's thoughts shifted again to the Capitol as his brother spoke of the showers. It was interesting how something so simple could have done so much for him when he needed it. He still didn't like the idea of Theo smelling like flowers though. Right now he smelled like home. He smelled like Theo always smelled and it was familiar and comforting. He didn't want him to come home smelling like that place. "Do they have scents other than flowers?" he asked curiously. Did everyone there smell the same?

He perked up slightly at the idea of Theo bringing him back some treats though. "That would give me something to look forward to..." He gave a thoughtful look before nodding. "Yes, that would be really cool." he smiled a bit, more genuine than the others before, but not a full Julian smile for sure. It was just something small that might help a little.

Julian laid his head against his brother again as he began to play with his hair, closing his eyes with a tired sigh. He didn't feel the best now, which was pretty typical for the days when his anxiety was the worst. So, he was more than willing to just let his brother soothe him. "I am sure that there are people there that are good...Just like there are bad people here too." he said quietly. "There is good and bad everywhere." It made sense that it would be no different in the Capitol.
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Theo Greenheart
 Posted on: Feb 9 2018, 04:46 AM
Quote
I'm not myself I'm a replica of me
25
D7 Victor/Mentor
Posts: 25
Livvyowl
Rep: 1 pts


user posted image

Don't get too close it's dark inside, it's where my demons hide.


When Jules rubbed his back and asked him to please not throw up on him he just nodded slightly, he planned to avoid it if he could, and he didn't want to obviously. It was just that since they'd been talking about how much it had hurt Jules to watch and to worry, the fact that he'd made someone much like Jules lose their child or their brother or sister had hit him so hard. The guilt washed over him like a flood of despair and for a moment he really had to just focus on the breathing. "Trying not to." he managed to get out before he had to close his mouth and just breathe again for a moment. It took a little while for his stomach to settle down again, but thankfully it did and he could focus more on Julian and the topics at hand once more.

When Jules said that of course he knew Theo well he felt even a little more sad. Mostly because as it turned out he himself didn't seem to know Jules that well anymore. It was sad to think he'd been so wrapped up in his own problems and his own shattered mind after the games that he'd not seen that his little brother was struggling. He knew of course that Jules didn't blame him for it, but he blamed himself. "I love you" he whispered in a voice pretty thick with emotion, though he had still managed to keep the tears at bay and to avoid a meltdown so that was something. Emotions hadn't been his strong suit since the games.

Then the topic went to the sleeping situation and he managed a weak chuckle at Jules' comment that he wouldn't fit anymore and might kick him. "I'll definitely live with the risk if you ever needed to squeeze into my bed for the night." he stated, the laugh gone and he was being completely serious now. He'd happily manage a tight squeeze if it helped Jules feel better. "And that aside my bed can easily fit two adults now." he added with a small shrug. The bed in his room in the Victors' Village was a king size and so nice and soft. Much like the ones in the Capitol. It had been an upgrade he'd allowed since he didn't get much sleep. At least the bed was comfortable.

When Jules whispered that he had their parents Theo's heart broke even further. Why didn't his brother have others? He was a sweet kid, there should be no problem for him to be making friends should there? He sighed a little and just held his brother close, playing with his hair and trying to comfort him. He frowned, not sure if he should ask further, but if they were going to be honest with one another and start fresh in a way, maybe he should ask. "How come Jules?" he finally asked gently, concern in his voice, but not in a way that suggested it was anything more than brotherly concern. "How come you haven't found someone to be close friends with? I don't believe you'd have any problems finding someone to be friends with." the words were gentle, just showing that he didn't understand.

"Are you holding back again? Worried I won't take whatever the reason is well?" he asked, pulling back enough to try to look at Jules' face, but not enough to pull out of the hug. He was so worried about Jules, but not in a way that could break him. Just in the way that he was his big brother and wanted him to be happy. "There is nothing you can tell me, nothing at all, ever, that will make me love you less or make me hate you Jules. Nothing. Thee is also nothing you can say that I can't handle. So you say something that saddens me a bit? Well that'll pass. Just like I know I've told you things that made you both uncomfortable and sad over the last few years."

Soon enough his own hair was being stroked in a comforting way. Jules had done that a few times since he'd been in the games, and it was nice, even though it had usually been in moments where he'd been pretty broken. Not like now where he was more aware of it. It was still nice. "I don't want to force you to talk about things Jules, but I just want to make sure you know you can. I want you to know that you can actually talk to me and I'll listen. Yeah I have my own issues, but so do you, and it doesn't stop you from listening to me now does it?" he asked with a small smile.

"In that case I will bring you a bunch of treats next time I go into the Capitol." he promised, it wasn't like he didn't have the money to bring treats. Both of the tasty kind and of the item kind. He was allowed to spend his money, but just not to share it around too much. Buying something for Jules wasn't the same though, he was immediate family. Plus he could always argue that he'd bought it to try himself and didn't like it if someone questioned him. "There are all sorts of cool and/or tasty things I could bring you back. And there are so many things I don't think I'll ever run out of stuff to bring. Then once you find some favorites I can bring those." he smiled glad to have found something he could do to make Julian have something positive to happen from him going to the Capitol. Why hadn't he thought of that before?

Then Julian rested his head against him again he smiled and continued playing with his hair. It was clear to him that his brother needed some support right now and he didn't mind providing it. In fact it made him cope with his own issues a bit better or even forget about them a little to focus on Julian and what he needed. "That's definitely the truth of it. And I don't think most people in the Capitol are bad people. Just that they've been brought up and sort of brainwashed into thinking the games is a good thing." he said quietly. "So even though there's a lot of people there I can't stand because of their view on the games.. There are a lot of people who aren't that bad also."

@Julian Greenheart
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Julian Greenheart
 Posted on: Feb 11 2018, 02:39 PM
Quote
Don't Let Me Go
18
Woodworker
Posts: 14
Emmie
District Seven
Rep: 0 pts


Julian gave a small nod when Theo said he was trying not to. He just continued to rub his back while also paying close enough attention to move out of the way if need be. He didn't actually want to separate from his brother right now. Not even at the risk of getting puked on. Thankfully though he seemed to get better again after a few minutes and Julian was able to relax into him a bit again. The way he spoke though...the way he told him that he loved him made his heart break. "I love you too, Theo. So much." he said quietly, hugging him tightly for just a moment.

He nodded a bit at Theo when he got very serious about the whole sleeping situation. It seemed that his brother really wanted to make sure that he was doing okay now and he wasn't sure how much he really liked it anymore. He was so used to keeping his own problems quiet now and just taking care of Theo that his worry was making him a bit uncomfortable. He felt like he should still just be making him feel better. He supposed that Theo probably felt similar though. "I don't even think your giant bed would keep you from getting kicked, but thanks Theo." he said softly. He was thankful for everything he was trying to do.

Jules noticed right away that his brother hadn't taken his answer about having their parents that well. He had seen right through it and for a moment there was just an uncomfortable silence between them. A silence that allowed for tears to cloud his eyes again and no matter how hard he tried to keep them back a couple slipped down his cheeks. Then Theo was questioning it and he didn't know what to tell him. If he should do as he promised and tell him everything or if he should just keep it to himself.

Of course Theo continued when he didn't speak though. Asking if he was holding things back and asking him not to do that. Trying to assure him that he would be fine if Jules told him. "There is this one boy..." he started after a moment, staring down instead of making eye contact with Theo. It wasn't because he was hiding anything this time. It was just because he was trying to figure out what to say. It was hard when he wasn't even fully sure how he felt. "He knows I've been having a hard time...and he's been trying to help." he continued. "I just...I don't..." he sighed and reached his hands up, covering his face and shaking his head.

"I don't want to do all of this again with someone else." Julian mumbled. He didn't explain though. Didn't explain that he didn't want to love this boy just to maybe lose him somehow. To deal with a loss like Martha again. To deal with the fear of almost losing Theo. He didn't want to do any of it again and the easiest way to avoid it was to not let anyone get that close to him again. He could handle being alone or he thought he could anyway.

He sighed a bit. "I know that you will listen to me no matter what. Thank you." he said quietly. "It's been hard too because I don't really know how to even explain how I feel about things." he admitted, no longer stroking his hair. He had moved to messing with the frayed corner of his blanket again instead. He would just have to get used to letting himself talk to Theo about things again too.

Theo was talking about the Capitol and bringing things back for him again and he wished that he could let him know how much he liked the idea. How happy it made him, but he just didn't have it in him now. "That sounds really nice, Theo. It will be fun to get to try new things." he said, trying a weak smile, but it wasn't much at all. He was just completely worn down again now. "And I am glad there are people there you don't hate. It would be awful to have to go somewhere you hated everyone." he said quietly.

He just cuddled against Theo though, curling up in his hug as much as he could. There were just silent tears still falling down his cheeks now. He wasn't crying the way he had been earlier, that was for sure. In a way though, this was worse.
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Theo Greenheart
 Posted on: Feb 18 2018, 03:30 AM
Quote
I'm not myself I'm a replica of me
25
D7 Victor/Mentor
Posts: 25
Livvyowl
Rep: 1 pts


user posted image

Don't get too close it's dark inside, it's where my demons hide.


"Well I'll take the risk of being kicked in the face any time." he insisted as Julian warned he'd get kicked even in his giant bed. Honestly he'd do anything, anything in this world, to help Julian get better. To help him struggle less if he could. He wasn't sure it was even possible, just like he didn't seem to completely feel himself again after the games either. Maybe though, with the help of each other they could get somewhere close to what they had once been. "I know it's going to take time, and I know it's not going to be easy, but we can do this together Jules. I know we can. We can get to a place where life doesn't feel like it's too overwhelming.
We can get to a place where we can laugh and mess around like we used to."
he insisted. Maybe it was going to take time and be hard, but it was going to happen.

Theo frowned as he listened to Julian talking about the boy that had been helping him out and then that he didn't want to do this again and his heart broke. Jules didn't have any friends close to him because he was afraid of losing them if he did. A few tears finally did make it down his cheek as he stroked Julian's hair gently. "Oh Jules." he whispered quietly. "I know it's hard, and I can understand that you're scared, but Jules... you can't go the rest of your life alone. Friends are so important and you're both beyond the age of the reapings now. You won't have to go through this again. I can't promise nothing will ever happen, to me, to him, to our parents. It might, but it's so important to have someone in your life to turn to. It was so painful to watch Julian being this upset.

"You know, you're the most important person in my life Jules. Always will be. I just want to make sure you're as happy as you can be. I don't expect you to be happy all the time. No one is. I just want to be there to help when you need me." He leaned forward and placed a small kiss at the top of Julian's head. "You've helped me so much since I came back home, even if some days I know it doesn't seem like it. You've been here for me the whole time and it makes me really sad to know I've failed at being here for you." he admitted. They were supposed to be honest with one another so he couldn't lie and say it wasn't making him sad.

"I just love you so much Jules, there's nothing I want more than to make sure you're safe and happy." he smiled a little and gently cupped Julian's face with his hands to look at him for a moment, and to make him look at him back. "But that doesn't mean you're not allowed to be upset or sad, or that you need to hide it from me. If you're upset and sad at the same time I am, guess what? We can make each other feel better. We can sit in bed and watch something or go for a walk, or just hang out somewhere. I know I can't always be here when I have to be in the Capitol, but I'll make sure to contact you as much as I can even then alright? I'll make sure to be here as much as I can through that too." he meant it, he wanted to keep in touch with Julian if he could during the games, it would help them both. Just hearing Julian's voice during the games would be nice.

"I'll bring you all the fun things to try, promise" It wasn't a hard promise to make, he'd make sure to bring something new every time he came back from the Captiol, not only because it would be fun to watch Julian try the new things, but because it would be something fun for them to do together. "There is so many strange and wonderful things to try we'll have new things to try for you for years!" he smiled and tried to pull himself out of the sad mood and maybe he could pull Julian out of it too so they wouldn't have to be all sad and miserable all day.

@Julian Greenheart
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Julian Greenheart
 Posted on: Feb 20 2018, 11:36 PM
Quote
Don't Let Me Go
18
Woodworker
Posts: 14
Emmie
District Seven
Rep: 0 pts


Julian knew that Theo would take the risk. He knew that his older brother would take all the risks in the world if it meant that it would keep Julian safe and happy. He had already proved that by taking his place in the games. The games that had managed to destroy them both regardless. It was going to take a lot of time to pick up all the pieces. It would be hard and Julian wasn't sure he could ever get himself back to his old self. It didn't seem possible to go back to that anymore. Theo didn't seem to be asking that of him though. He seemed to just want him happy again. "I would love to get back to being able to be like that again." he said quietly, though he was far less optimistic.

He noticed the tears that fell down Theo's cheeks now and his heart sank more, if that was even possible at this point. He'd caused those tears with his own feelings of fear and sadness and that made him feel a million times worse. He didn't even bother to reach up and wipe them away for him this time. Instead he just buried his face against his brother's chest as he felt his own chest tighten and his own tears flow faster. "You don't get it, Theo. You have no idea..." he shook his head a bit. "I'm better off on my own. I've been fine for years now." he mumbled. He hadn't been happy, but he was still here. He'd made it through and so in his mind that meant he had been fine. He didn't want to get attached to anyone ever again.

Julian wasn't sure if having told Theo how he really felt from the beginning would have made any sort of difference in the way Theo felt about it all. He felt like he failed him now, but he would have felt like he had failed him if Julian had told him and Theo wasn't able to fix it right away. Julian would have felt like he had failed his brother by adding more weight to his shoulders. At least by now he'd had time to get to a better place himself before Julian unleashed it all on him. "You're the most important person in my life, Theo...and I almost lost you." he mumbled, looking up at him for the first time in a while. "When you came home I thought maybe I had lost you...you were home, but you weren't you and I wanted you back. It didn't matter how I felt. You didn't fail me. I did it to myself to help you." He laid his head back against him again. "You were there for me for years. It was my turn." he added quietly.

Soon enough he found himself being guided to look back up at Theo again. He just looked at him, tears still falling quite heavily down his cheeks. "I don't feel as bad about telling you when I am sad now. I hate that it makes you cry. I hate that I make you feel like you failed at something so important to you, but I know you can handle it now. That you won't break." he told him honestly. He liked the idea of being able to be sad together when they needed to be sad. He wanted to be able to come to Theo when he was upset like he used to. These comforting hugs and talking with his brother were everything to him. Being able to still talk to him while he was away would make things a lot easier now too. Now that Theo knew how he felt.

Jules managed a bit of a weak smile at the idea of trying new things from the Capitol and there being enough to try for years. They really had that many different things there? He knew they had a lot more, but the scope of the differences was kind of hard to imagine. "That will be a lot of fun for sure." he said quietly, clearing his throat a little and trying to wipe away some tears. He was trying to be happier for him.

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