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 Just Let Go Of Me [TW], Attn. Livvy
Cambric Tencel
 Posted on: Jul 5 2018, 11:13 PM
Quote
They Shall Fall
28
Victor
Posts: 97
Emmie
Rep: 4 pts


user posted image


Cambric spent the entire ride back to the district without saying a single word to Kevlar or to the Avoxes that were there on the train with them. He didn't eat. He didn't drink. He just curled up in one of the chairs, pretending to be asleep anytime Kevlar tried to speak to him. It didn't change when they got back to the district either. He didn't speak a word to anyone. He didn't go to see Hook or Charvet. He just went to his house and crawled into his bed.

That was where he stayed, apart from occasionally getting up to use the bathroom. Of course Hook came over and there was nothing that Cam could do to stop that. He had given the man a key to the house long ago and even if he hadn't, Hook definitely would have found a way to break in to make sure Cam was alright. That was the thing though, he wasn't alright in the slightest.

Something inside him had completely shattered when he failed to bring Marius all the way home. He had made it so far. They had come so close to breaking the curse that Cam was sure was his fault. They had come close to finally doing some good for their district. They had come so close to getting Marius back to Alexis and their mother. He had tried so hard. He did everything he could. He even managed to scrape together a last minute donation and it still wasn't enough.

He would never be enough.

Now he was trapped inside his head. He couldn't find his way out to even whisper a simple 'Love you too' to Hook. All he could do was cuddle against the man when he joined him in the bed. He wanted nothing to do with any food that he brought him and he only took small sips of water he brought. He just...he didn't feel like he deserved any of it. He didn't want any of it. He only wanted to sleep.

That was what he spent a lot of his time doing, drifting in and out of uneasy sleep. There were always nightmares and bad dreams that he would wake up screaming or crying from. Though he'd just snuggle up to hook or curl up more and clutch the blankets a little tighter and force himself back to sleep. It was a miserable few days once he had come home.

Today hadn't started out any different, except that when Hook went to cook food to attempt to get him to eat again Cam had found the strength to actually get up and take a shower for the first time in days. Maybe he could wash away some of the sadness, but it didn't really work that way. Instead he just ended up back on the bed in a pair of clean sweatpants, with one of the replacement razor blades in his hand for shaving.

He had come across it in the bathroom and well, he had just stared at it for a moment before he had dragged it across his arm, letting the pain wash over him as he cut into his skin. It lessened everything else that he was feeling. So, he had moved to the bed and continued this 'therapy'. At least until he heard Hook coming up the stairs. He tossed the blade away from himself and pulled a pillow over the arm he had been cutting.

"Hey babe...I don't smell anymore." He mumbled, his voice hoarse from not using it and not drinking much. It was the first thing he had said to Hook since coming home apart from telling him to take a box of food to Alexis and his mother.
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Hook Herdwick
 Posted on: Jul 6 2018, 02:00 AM
Quote
Somewhere only we know
29
Designer
Posts: 64
Livvyowl
District Eight
Rep: 1 pts


The time since Cam had come home had been heartbreaking to Hook. Seeing him so lost, in so much emotional pain was painful. Hook had always loved Cam more than he had admitted until that night when Cam had come home to him during the games. He hadn't spoken since. Not even on the train back. Hook had done everything he could to try to help, but he knew there wasn't much he could do. Beyond snuggling up with him and trying to help him feel better that way.

He had more or less stayed at Cam's permanently through this time. Of course he'd had to go stop by Cashmere some too, but more or less all his time was spent with Cam. Even if they were just snuggled up in bed. He felt so helpless. Nothing he did or said seemed to get through to the other man. No amount of snuggles or words of love.

The only times he really left Cam alone was when he had to make some food, or go see Cashmere for a bit, beyond that he stayed. Sometimes snuggled up in bed, sometimes knitting while Cam slept. Even though he was trying to give his arm a break he needed to do something while he was awake and Cam wasn't. It was physically painful to see Cam so broken. He'd seen him shattered before, but not quite like this, and it scared him.

He had gone down to make some breakfast, and just made something simple, since Cam likely wasn't going to eat it anyway. He did make something he knew Cam liked though. Just in case today was going to be different. To his surprise, Cam was looking like he'd come straight out of the shower when he walked into the room, and he smiled at him when he heard him speak, for the first time in so many days. "That's great!" he said happily, though he could tell Cam wasn't really out of the funk he'd been in he still wanted to praise him for the effort he'd put in. "Not that it was a problem." he said gently.

Yes, Cam had smelled really bad, but Hook had gotten used to it by now, and it wasn't like he was going to let that stop him from being here for Cam no matter what. He put the tray on the nightstand and shifted to sit next to Cam on the bed. "I made some breakfast." he said, hopeful that maybe Cam would eat some. "You really should eat a little" he said hesitantly. He wasn't sure if pushing for that was a good idea right now, but he wanted to try.

For a moment he carefully took in the look of Cam. He still looked miserable, even if he had showered and was no longer smelly. "I mean I love you, smelly or not." he added after a moment, just so Cam would know that him saying it wasn't a problem before hadn't meant he hadn't smelled. He had, but it didn't matter to Hook. It didn't matter that he smelled or was upset. Hook was always going to love Cam. He always had, that wasn't going to change when things were difficult.
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Cambric Tencel
 Posted on: Jul 7 2018, 02:51 PM
Quote
They Shall Fall
28
Victor
Posts: 97
Emmie
Rep: 4 pts


The smile that crossed Hook's lips and the excitement in his voice when Cambric spoke to him made Cam's heart sink. He had known deep down that he had been making Hook feel bad by not speaking to even him, but...it was hard to speak when you didnt know what to say. Or how to say what he was feeling. It was easier to just stay quiet. But he was so happy now that he had spoke to him, even something so simple as assuring him that he no longer smelled.

He didn't move closer when Hook sat down on the bed this time though, simply because he didn't want to move and have the pillow fall off his arm and reveal what he had been doing to himself. It still hurt and therefore it was still helping.

Then he mentioned the food and Cam just sighed softly. "I don't want it." he said quietly. "My stomach hurts." he added. Between how miserable he had been and how he hadn't eaten he really did have a stomachache, but eating a little might actually help some really. He just didn't want it.

"I love you whether you smell or not too." he added softly, yawning and closing his eyes though after. His head hurt too, which was from everything including the lack of hydration and food. "Just thought you might like snuggling more if I was clean."
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Hook Herdwick
 Posted on: Jul 7 2018, 03:18 PM
Quote
Somewhere only we know
29
Designer
Posts: 64
Livvyowl
District Eight
Rep: 1 pts


Hook was indeed super excited that Cam was speaking. It had been so hard to not even be able to really communicate with him. He noticed that Cam wasn't moving closer though and that made him wonder what was going on. Maybe he didn't want cuddles, but he'd seemed to want them most of the time since they'd gotten back from the Captiol.

Seeing Cam so hurt was painful to him too, but he was glad he at least seemed to be speaking again now. He said he didn't want the food and that his stomach hurt and Hook just frowned. "Your stomach probably hurts because you haven't been eating, and I'm willing to bet you have a headache too?" he asked and moved the tray into his lap. "You need to eat something and drink something to get rid of those." he insisted. "You've barely had enough to survive... please..." the plea was real. At this point, if Cam didn't start eating or drinking soon he was going to lose the man to starvation.

"I know you don't want it, but your body needs it." he insisted. He could already see the weight Cam had lost since Marius had died and it scared him. Everything about this whole situation scared him.

It did help to hear Cam finally respond with the fact that he loved him too and he managed a smile at the comment. "I honestly didn't really notice much anymore, but it is nicer that you're clean." he admitted, because it really was. He really loved that Cam had showered, he smelled nice and he looked a bit better after having stepped out of the shower and having been out of the bed for a bit.
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Cambric Tencel
 Posted on: Jul 9 2018, 07:30 PM
Quote
They Shall Fall
28
Victor
Posts: 97
Emmie
Rep: 4 pts


Cambric sighed softly when Hook mentioned that it was likely the lack of food that was causing his stomach to hurt and he mentioned him having a headache as well, to which Cam gave a nod as confirmation that he was right about that as well. Maybe food and water would fix it some, but the problem was that it wasn't the only reason. So, it wouldn't completely fix it. Which made the food and water less appealing.

"I just..." he sighed when Hook was practically begging him to eat and drink. He was torn between not wanting to and wanting to simply because he couldn't take the way that Hook had sounded and the look in his eyes. He had hurt the other man so much already over the past few days and well, he didn't want to hurt him anymore. Not that he wanted to hurt him then, but he hadn't been able to pull himself out of his dark place enough to avoid it.

He sat up a bit more and leaned over, gently kissing Hook on the cheek. "Just...let me start slow and small." he told him quietly. He knew well enough that it wasn't good to suddenly eat a bunch after not having ate for days. He needed to pace himself and let his body get used to it again. Though, trying to reach the tray that had been placed on the side table was really difficult while he was trying to avoid revealing his arm. He looked a little ridiculous trying to grab for it.

"Well, the shower did feel nice." He admitted. It had and while he had done it for Hook, he was glad he had done it. It didn't help a ton, but it was definitely nice to be clean and in clean clothes. It would probably be good to clean the bedding soon too, but...he wasn't ready for that step yet.
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Hook Herdwick
 Posted on: Jul 12 2018, 02:40 AM
Quote
Somewhere only we know
29
Designer
Posts: 64
Livvyowl
District Eight
Rep: 1 pts


Hook was very well aware of the fact that lack of food and water wasn't the only reason Cam was hurting, but he also knew that it wasn't helping the situation at all. Cam needed to eat and drink or he'd slowly waste away and Hook couldn't stand the thought of that. The fact that it was even a thought he had to think hurt more than he'd ever be able to explain. Still he wasn't going to say that, because he knew Cam didn't need the added pressure. He was already struggling and he didn't need to know that it was making things hard for Hook too. It was painful to see Cam like this and feel like he could do nothing to help.

A small smile crossed Hook's lips as Cam kissed his cheek. It was more life than he'd seen from the other man since Marius had died and he was so relieved, even though he knew it wasn't all better. It was a start. "I didn't say that you had to eat a horse... just that you should eat and drink some." he said, still with the small smile on his face. Even that fact that Cam had agreed to eat anything at all felt like the world of progress right now. He watched as Cam tried to reach for the tray and he seemed to just sort of not fully reach. it looked weird and it set off some warning bells in Hook's mind.

Why wasn't he reaching properly? Was he hurt somehow? Had something happened while he showered? He didn't know, and he wasn't sure how much he should push now that he'd gotten Cam to agree to eat some. He was terrified of ruining the little progress that was being made by pushing too much, but he was also concerned and the concern showed on his face as he looked at the other man. There was no way of hiding it. Hook was tired too. The time since that last day in the arena for the tributes had been exhausting on him too. He had barely slept, waking up to soothe Cam from his nightmares and unable to sleep himself out of pure worry for the man he loved so much. When Cam seemed to struggle to reach the tray he just took the tray and placed it in Cam's lap. "There', that's better." he said with a warm smile.

"Maybe later, if you want, I can change the bedding. It's been a while and it would feel better combined with the shower if we changed it." he suggested. He wasn't going to ask Cam to help, but maybe he'd be willing to get out of bed and sit in the chair for a moment while Hook fixed the bedding and got this cleaned. The bedding smelled too, though it did help greatly help that Cam had showered. He just hoped he did feel a tiny bit better after the shower. He was still looking at him closely though now that he'd seen the weird way in which he'd reached for the tray.
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Cambric Tencel
 Posted on: Yesterday at 01:37 am
Quote
They Shall Fall
28
Victor
Posts: 97
Emmie
Rep: 4 pts


Cambric sighed some. "Well...I mean that is good, because I don't really ever want to eat a horse." he said, a sad attempt at some humor that he normally would have at least pretended he was being amusing and amused by himself. Not right now though. He was just too tired and he was tired of pretending to be alright around people. He didn't have it in him right now and Hook had already seen him in such a low point.

Hook handed him the tray and Cam did his best to sit up a little more without moving the pillow off his arm. He reached with his other hand to drink some first before he took a small bite. "Thanks, love." he said softly. He was glad that Hook was still by his side through all of this. That he had made him this food and was trying to get him to actually eat it. It showed he actually cared...even if Cam was also annoyed by it. "It's good...better than a horse, I imagine." he added.

He nodded at the idea of Hook changing the bedding. "Yeah, that would be nice I am sure." he said quietly. Everything being clean would be nice for the both of them, but he just wanted Hook to be happy and comfortable. He drank some more and went to set the glass down, though he set it on the edge of the plate and so he had to react quickly to catch the glass before it spilled.

He managed, but he had used his other hand, leaving his arm and the blood and cuts exposed. He kept his eyes from looking toward Hook, really just staring down at the blood. He wished he had made them deeper. That they had been deep enough that he would have bled out by now. That he could just be done with all of this. He couldn't help the feeling.

"Can we just....not?" he mumbled after a moment, looking to Hook. He didn't want to have to explain himself. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to be judged. He didn't want to deal with the worry he knew that Hook would be experiencing. "It was the only thing that would help." he added quietly.
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Hook Herdwick
 Posted on: Yesterday at 01:59 am
Quote
Somewhere only we know
29
Designer
Posts: 64
Livvyowl
District Eight
Rep: 1 pts


Hook smiled warmly when Cam made the joke even though Cam's heart was clearly not in it. Still the joke had been made and it deserved a smile. "I'm pretty sure you won't have to." he said, though of course if it had ever gotten to a point where they had a horse and no other food they would probably eat it. Still they weren't likely to end up in that situation and he wasn't sure mentioning that would be a good idea so he kept himself from making that comment.

"Any time, you know that." he said lovingly as Cam thanked him for giving him the tray. He reached over and just gently ran his hand through Cam's hair in a loving gesture. It was hard to love someone so much and to see them struggle to even want to eat anything. He could tell Cam probably didn't even want to eat anything, but he appreciated that he was giving it some effort at least. The idea of seeing Cam slowly wasting away because he wasn't eating or drinking was enough to make him feel pretty horrified and it had made him cry several times over the last few days. Of course he always made sure to do so somewhere outside of this room, and to make sure he didn't look as lousy as he felt before coming in there again. Cam didn't need to see how bad this made him feel, Cam just needed to worry about himself right now.

"Then we'll do that once you've had something to eat and drink." he said as Cam said it might be nice to change the bedding too. He was glad he'd agreed because being in the dirty bedding wasn't helping anyone and it was starting to feel clammy and a bit itchy. It was definitely needed.

His mind was immediately taken from that though as Cam reached for the glass that almost spilled and revealed the arm full of cuts and blood. His eyes went wide. Shit. How hadn't he noticed that Cam was trying to hide the arm. Now he knew it was like this the pillow and the awkward way Cam had reached for the tray stood out starkly in his mind. He should have known something was wrong. He should have seen it right away. He'd been too busy being happy Cam had been talking to him and that he'd cleaned himself up to notice.

Guilt washed over him in a wave so powerful he almost couldn't hold back the tears that immediately threatened to fall. Instead he just blinked a few times and kept his eyes on the cuts. Cam asked if they could just not. He figured what he was asking was for them not to talk about it, but Hook didn't even think he could have said anything if he'd wanted to. His heart ached just seeing what Cam had done to himself.

He just shook his head a little and gently took the tray out of Cam's lap, putting it back onto the nightstand before he got to his feet and headed to the bathroom. His face crumbled as he looked at himself in the mirror for a moment and a few tears rolled down his cheek, but then he steeled himself and wiped the tears away. This was no time to fall apart, this was the time to be helpful. Supportive. Cam didn't need him to get upset with him over this right now, even though he was indeed very upset about it.

Instead he busied himself grabbing the first aid kit and some gauze. The cuts would need cleaning, and then wrapping up so they wouldn't get infected. Once he had everything in his hands he took another moment to just breathe before he headed back into the room, getting back into the bed and gently, but firmly taking the injured arm in his hands. Leaving no room for argument on the matter.

"We're going to need to clean this up." he managed in a quiet and weirdly even tone. "Or it's going to get infected." he added, the bedding was dirty and the pillow Cam had been using to hide the wounds were undoubtedly full of germs by now. With a sigh he went about cleaning the wounds. "This is going to sting." he added as he went about the cleaning of the wounds, wiping away the blood first and then slowly and very thoroughly cleaning it with antiseptic to make sure it was clean. He didn't say anything else. He wanted to say so many things but none of it was going to help. So he stayed quiet and let his hands move. It was clear how much he loved Cam just with how gentle he was being even though he was struggling with even staying put together at this point.
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Cambric Tencel
 Posted on: Today at 12:01 am
Quote
They Shall Fall
28
Victor
Posts: 97
Emmie
Rep: 4 pts


Cambric couldn't be sure how Hook was going to react to seeing his arm. He had thought he had wanted silence, that he didn't want to be scolded or told off or lectured about doing it. Though the silence that came from the other man was actually worse than all of that ever could have been. He felt his heart sink into his stomach as he saw the pain, frustration, worry, and sadness in Hook's eyes. No matter how hard he tried Cam could easily see right through the mask.

He had made Hook so happy just by finally speaking to him earlier and by being wiling to eat and drink a little. He had done it all for him. He had seen the way that he had been hurting him since coming home. He could see that everything he was dealing with was negatively effecting Hook and he fucking hated every second of it, but he hadn't been able to pull himself out of his own head until today. But he had ruined it all again anyway because now Hook looked eve more upset.

He just closed his eyes when Hook left to the bathroom, tangling his fingers in his hair as he gave a tired sigh. He didn't want to fight him right now. He was too mentally and physically exhausted to try and avoid letting him clean his arm. He was also once again at war inside, wanting to set himself free finally and wanting to keep Hook happy with him.

Cam flinched a little when he began cleaning his arm and pointed out it would sting. It was still a welcomed pain, but this time it didn't wash away enough of what he was feeling. "I can't make you happy." he mumbled after a moment, looking to Hook. "I'm never going to be what you want me to be...you know that, right?" he asked.

He couldn't be what Hook wanted him to be. What he needed him to be. He was far to broken. He wanted to leave. He wanted to be done. It would destroy Hook, he knew that, but it was making everything that much more difficult. He was constantly torn between living such a miserable life and wanting to stay around for Hook. It was frustrating and it hurt because he couldn't win either way.
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